How to Say ‘No’ to a Master Manipulator

“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.” –Tony Gaskins

Have you ever dealt with a person who seems to have this uncanny gift for getting you to do exactly what they want, even if it’s not necessarily in your best interest? Those people who push you to your edge, suck you up for all your worth and leave you burnt out and creatively drained? You’re left to question your entire existence, wondering how you even allowed them to have such control over you in the first place.

Yes, I can take on that project, even though there is no way I can squeeze that into my schedule. Sure, I’ll work over the weekend, even though I had plans with my family. Of course, what you’re saying makes sense and you wouldn’t ask me to do it if you didn’t feel it was mutually beneficial or fair, right?

Wrong. These pushers are master manipulators, willing to do what they need to do to advance their own agenda. The fact of the matter is, they aren’t always bad people—they simply approach their to-do list with a bit more gusto and dominance than you and me. And expect us to fall into line.

You are in control of your life, and if you don’t stand up to “those people,” you’ll quickly find yourself overcommitted, under inspired and potentially resentful. I know… some of you are already nodding and thinking “Oh yea…it’s time.”

Here’s how to set real boundaries and ultimately save your sanity:

Don’t Commit Right Away

The most important aspect of dealing with a master manipulator is taking a step back when she/he asks you (or tells you) to do something. You’re a grown adult, filled with infinite possibility, and certainly reserve the right to take some time to think through adding extra commitments to your plate. So grow a pair and be willing to say, “Let me think about that. I’ll get back to you” in the midst of yet another “urgent” request.

Stop justifying the crazy

The fact of the matter is, many of us invite these situations into our lives. We are constantly justifying why forgoing our sanity for the sake of others makes sense THIS TIME around. Whether we fear letting others down, or are addicted to the gold stars of approval, this behavior is not healthy or beneficial long term. Continuously giving in will lower your self-confidence and leave your boss/coworker with a false sense of your limits, encouraging him/her to take advantage over and over again.

Set unwavering boundaries

Sit down and identify your stress triggers. Define exactly what is and what is not okay with you. It’s important to realize that personal boundaries are just that—personal. What others think is totally acceptable may not be okay with you. So assess YOUR values and shape your world to uphold them.

The easiest way to make others respect your boundaries is to enforce them right away. If that’s not possible, you may need to have a sit down conversation with this person to set things straight. Even though the though of standing up for yourself may bring on feelings of fear and self-doubt, understand that setting boundaries is a necessary part of life.

Stay organized

One of the easiest ways to get sucked into a situation where your time is underappreciated is to perpetually lead a frazzled life. If you don’t understand the value of your time, how should you expect a boss or co-worker to? Any doubt or question in your worth leaves room for a prime opportunity to take advantage.

Regularly assess your commitments to ensure you have a full understanding of how you’re using your time. This will give you the confidence to say “no” if necessary. This means planning down time well in advance and sticking to your plans no matter what.

Communicate clearly & often

You’ve had your “come to Jesus” moment and decided to make your limits known—but your job doesn’t end there. Without a doubt, those lines will be crossed again and you’ll find yourself debating whether or not to fall to old habits and simply give in. For your boundaries to truly stick, they must be reinforced. It won’t be comfortable or easy, but it’s crucial to communicate your concerns every single time you feel the line has been crossed. Eventually, your master manipulator will realize that you mean business and your new relationship will be the norm.

You have the potential to embrace your limits and control your destiny. No matter the source of your stress, I hope this inspired you to communicate your boundaries. After all—you’re totally worth it.